Lord I Pray I've Had a Life That's Good

Having an infant, two toddlers, a first grader and a teenager in the house is.. do I even have to say? Let's stop at "two toddlers" to catch our breath. I LOVE MY LIFE. I ADORE my kids. But there is only so much poop a person can handle in a day. I sometimes let it get to me. The poop, the messes, someone always crying (sometimes it's me). And there are days I seem to dwell right in that overwhelming spot. I let it overtake me and feel helpless.

Then there are days like today. There was poop. There were messes. There were three kids crying at once. But there was also so much good. My first-grader reading a full page of a book all by himself (Finally). The pride he had when he completed his other assignments without issue. The pure joy on my daughter's face when I got her up from her nap. The wonder my infant son has as he drools absolutely everywhere while he's trying to "talk" to me. When my teenager helps his younger siblines without even being asked and laughs at his own jokes for far too long. Even the moment my stubborn three year old gives in to his time-out and calms down on his own in a moment of success for mommy!

I want to live and breathe these moments. I wish there was a scent I could spray to remind me of these time. One that overwhelms the poop in my life to help me remember that my life is GOOD. No matter how overwhelming life can get, I am so incredibly fortunate and so incredibly loved by these little monsters.

A Life That's Good

Nashville Cast

Sittin' here tonight
By the fire light
It reminds me I already have
More than I should

I don't need fame
No one to know my name
At the end of the day, Lord I pray
I have a life that's good

Two arms around me
Heaven to ground me
And a family that always calls me home

Four wheels to get there
Enough love to share
And a sweet, sweet, sweet song

At the end of the day
Lord I pray
I have a life that's good

Sometimes I'm hard on me
When dreams don't come easy
I wanna look back and say
I did all that I could

Yeah at the end of the day
Lord I pray
I have a life that's good

Two arms around me
Heaven to ground me
And a family that always calls me home

Four wheels to get there
Enough love to share
And a sweet, sweet, sweet song

At the end of the day
Lord I pray
I have a life that's good

At the end of the day
Lord I pray
I have a life that's good

The Bottom of the Well

Almost three years ago life came crumbling down on me. Everything I had worked for, studied for, put my identity in was gone. I parted ways with my career, lost my Granny, and felt a shell of a person. I was broken.

It was not until recently that I realized I never really pulled myself completely out of that well.  I just let life overtake me. I thought since I could see the light, I was ok, but I was far from ok. 2014 feels like a blur of memories. Life moved on, but it seemed to be doing so around me instead of with mre. 2015 brought the birth and sudden adoption of our daughter, which was a fight in and of itself, but certainly one of the most joyous times of my life. Though even in that joy, I was still struggling to find out who I was outside of ministry. Who I was outside of the community I used to be a part of. Who was I other than wife and mother? 2016 is when I finally began to move towards the top of the well.

I started focusing on the things I could control in the moment. What people, things, activities helped me feel more like “me”? I joined MOPS (Mothers of Preschoolers) for community, the YMCA for wellness, and started figuring out ways to spend more time with myself. That may seem silly to some, but when you have four little bodies tugging at you all day and a teenager that MUST tell you the inner workings of his mind at 20,000 words a minute, a moment to yourself is all between you and a padded room.

I started to come to the realization that my career never defined me. I loved the time I spent as a Youth Pastor and in other ministries. I will always hold those positions dear, but ministry was becoming my undoing. I was shackled to something that was no longer my calling. I was holding so dearly and pridefully to a title instead of figuring out who I was at the bottom of the well. Who am I with nothing? Who is Lita? I am mom. I am wife. But I am MORE. I am ME.

I do eventually hope to be back in ministry, but I will go in more mature, more ready. This newest chapter of life still is largely about being a wife and a mother, but also about being a writer, an advocate, a person with something to say. I pray this chapter is also marked with health, happiness, and a continual flow of learning more of me.

Have you ever THOUGHT you were ok, only to realize that you never really healed? Are you at the bottom of a well? Do you even recognize it? Have you taken the time to look around? I encourage you to take an inventory of self and see where you stand. Look into the literal and figurative mirror and make sure you see YOU. Join a community or a gym with childcare and sit in the sauna to have a moment's peace (guilty, sorry not sorry). Write again. Sing more. Put down your phone and take your coffee outside. Pick back up what you had to lay down when life became too much.

Goodbye and Good Riddance 2014

I've been holding off writing this blog until the right time. What makes this the right time, I am unsure of. Is it the New Year? A certain amount of time passing by? Who knows. All that I am sure of is that my soul and heart have been prompting me to be vulnerable in an effort for family and friends to gain some insight into our lives, but more so in the hope that maybe someone reading this who is going through something similar will feel less alone. That they will be encouraged and feel a sense of hope. That someone who has not yet gone through what we have this past year will remember this and possibly hold onto some sort of wisdom or realize that they are way better at handling life than that Lita girl (ha).

2014 was…. well… pretty freaking awful.  But we are Jordans. We take things as they come and have been through the ringer before. But this year threw us for a loop. In the beginning of 2014, Mike and I began to notice that our middle son Elliot, 2 ½ at the time, was struggling in a few areas including speech and anxiety. We tried to let the “phase” pass, but something in my mama soul knew something was not right. We were referred to a Pediatric Specialist at Cincinnati Children’s for various evaluations. While his speech was measured on the low end of average, we began quite the journey in occupational therapy.

Elliot began intense every week occupational therapy that we have been in for over 6 months now. There we learned that Elliot struggles with what some call Sensory Processing Disorder. In laymen’s terms, all of his senses are heightened to the point that it often causes extreme anxiety. Too many sounds, too many visuals, certain textures and ways one might touch him can cause a meltdown. For example, haircuts are a nightmare. The process, feeling, hair hitting him, sound of scissors or clippers, etc… cause him so much anxiety he has gotten hives and thrown up multiple times. Some may see this disorder within the autism spectrum, though this is stand alone for Elliot and not related to any form of autism. 

Through this process, I have personally discovered that a lot of his issues are things that I have struggled with all my life but have called anxiety. It has been quite the learning experience for all of us! While therapy to this point has worked wonders, we will continue in this for a while to teach him to cope with these issues and find tools to relax when the environment around him becomes too much. With this therapy, he should be able to gain enough tools to allow him to develop normally and in a sense, “grow out” of many of the issues with immersion and practice. He will always feel anxiety with some things, but he will learn to deal with it.

In the process of this therapy, we have now revisited the issue of speech. While he talks A LOT and says completely ridiculous, hilarious things that keep us on our toes, he continues to struggle with expressing his needs, emotions, and socially interacting with his peers. A recent reevaluation has shown that Elliot has a Speech and Reception Delay. This, in laymen’s terms, means that Elliot will need some help to develop his speech, but also that us along with the doctors are struggling to understand exactly why certain information is not processing for Elliot. For instance, while Elliot knows and can verbalize his letters, numbers, and colors he cannot pick these out. He is able to match colors but he cannot identify his colors in a lineup if you will. He can name objects on any flashcard but letters, numbers, and colors might as well be Greek. The doctors are hoping that this is an issue related to speech and will develop with therapy, but are unsure at this point. His speech is only a tiny bit below average, so we are hopeful that this too will resolve in time, but it means bi-weekly therapy and weekly intervention for an unknown amount of time.

With all of that, I feel incredibly privileged to be Elliot’s mom and to have a healthy child. While all of this has been scary and exhausting, it is nothing compared to what many mothers have gone through with their children. Elliot is such a sensitive and loving soul. He cares deeply for everyone and feels with his whole heart. While I love this about him, I also hurt for him. I know how feeling deeply can cause deep pain and feelings of rejection. I struggle as a mother at the thought of that kind of pain touching him. Of anything that would change that sweet sensitive soul he has had from the beginning. He is my whole heart, just like all of my children are and I simply want him to be OK. Whole. Him. Does that make sense?

The second half of our year dealt with my mother and Granny losing their home. While we do not need to revisit the details of all that entailed, it was tragic and unnecessary. They were swindled not once but twice by Apartment Complexes taking advantage of the elderly. Soon after, Granny began struggling with her health. We found out on a Wednesday that she had a mass in her lung. While we struggled with the news, Granny has always been a fighter so I assured her that is exactly what we would do. By Sunday, she was struggling to breathe and was admitted. I do not desire to rehash for myself or my family all that unfolded next, but nothing about her passing that Monday afternoon was ok. Nothing about it was peaceful. Nothing about it was just or right or “her time.” The issues with the hospital, the staff, the things that unfolded that day have been addressed, but one really cannot find closure for an experience resulting in that kind of immense loss. It was the worst experience I have had in my entire life and I would not wish it on anyone.

Shortly before Granny’s passing, as many of you know, I parted ways with the church I had been employed with for two years. I do not for a second regret the lives that we were so privileged to engage with and many of the people who invested so generously in the lives of the youth and the children, and even the life of our family. There are various versions circling about the reason for our departure. All that really matters in regards to reasoning was that Mike and I have a vision for ministry that is and always has been about spreading the gospel to those who seem untouchable. Those in the gutter. Those who others might not find approachable. The hurting. The sick. The broken. Anytime we find ourselves in a place where we can no longer hold true to that vision and calling, it is time to move on. It was made evident that it was time to move on and hastily. We regret anyone who may have been hurt by our swift departure, but our family needed to get out of that situation well before we departed. But we ignored our hearts for the sake of all of the people in our lives who it might affect.

So where are we now? The Jordans have entered 2015 with a clean slate. We lost so much in 2014 but gained our lives back. God knocked us off our feet to open our eyes and make us change. We enter 2015 refreshed and hopeful for an amazing year filled with family, friends, new ministry opportunities, and a chance for our family to breathe. While I cannot imagine a time that I will heal from the loss of my Granny or the events that occurred, I do know that God is good and my family and friends are indescribably amazing. 

Though we have not moved on to our next full-time ministry opportunity, this has been intentional. Not only do we need a chance to heal from the brokenness and back side of the church we've had the unfortunate displeasure of experiencing, I need a chance to just be with my family. Someone pointed out that I have been in ministry for my entire adult life. Our family has not known vacations or time together that was not another “event.” My boys, nor my husband have experienced church and fellowship in a place that I do not work. We need that right now. We are all so thirsty to be a part of something where we are being nurtured and we have been missing that for too long. You do not realize how oppressed and empty you feel until you nor see how much your family needs to make a move until you do it. My family needs this time and so we are taking it until we find that place where we can feel supported, nurtured, and where our family can remain a priority for us. While we are definitely remaining in ministry and involved, we will make sure to remain open to God’s leading for our next adventure into vocational ministry.

2015 , thus far, finds the Jordan’s healthy and happy in all areas. I cannot express to you how incredibly in love and in awe I am of my husband and how much JOY my heart holds at the smile and laughter of my children. We have an intensely amazing family and unfathomable friend base who will always be family in our hearts. While we don’t know what 2015 holds, I pray that it holds the joy, growth, happiness, and memories that we hope to continue to experience this year!

The Hunger Games and Getting Back to "Me"

I’ll sleep when I die. There are 24 usable hours in everyday. Coffee. Coffee. More Coffee.

This can pretty accurately describe my 20’s up until this point. People often joke about how little sleep they get and give the impression that they are thriving in this culture of staying up late and working till they drop. I thrived in this. But now? Now I have a little lesson in a bundle of hunger named Owen Dominic.

Our newest bundle of joy is much like our 2 year old was as a baby. Great sleeper. Pretty content unless he is hungry. But the difference is that Owen is seemingly ALWAYS hungry. We have upped his formula, burped him, held him, fed him more often, prayed that the good Lord would calm this bottomless pit of a baby so that Mommy can get some sleep.

There have been days lately where I feel like I am not in my body. My 2 year old needs milk NOW and Team Umizoomi before he has a meltdown. My 13 year old needs help figuring out how to do his homework without him actually having to do his homework. My husband needs 30 cookies and peanut butter fudge by 7am tomorrow. I have 15 emails and 6 facebook notifications relating to work that need answered yesterday. It’s that feeling when you walk from one room to the next and, for a moment, don’t remember where you just came from. The girl who once lived for the night now just lives for a good night’s sleep and a place to hide. I am tired. Mentally, Physically, Emotionally, Spiritually.

 I sit here writing this at 1 am in the company of my beautiful baby boy, pondering where this concept of “me” has gone. I have begun to realize that not only have I given up my sleep for my little ones, but I have given up a lot of myself. Now don’t get me wrong: I love my boys with all of my heart, every single ounce of my being. I have heard the phrase, “I would give my life for my family,” many times and relate to the sentiment, but have usually visualized this in my head as myself taking a bullet or stepping in front of a bus for one of them or some other life threatening event that will likely never occur for me to prove myself. But in moving from two kids to three, going into my 28^th year of life, I have realized that I HAVE given my life for my boys. Every part of me has become them.

My wonderful husband prompted me a few weeks ago to go have some “me” time. So I went grocery shopping. Yep. Grocery Shopping. Because I am 400 years old. When I got back, he was almost angered and exclaimed that grocery shopping was not “me” time. I asked him to provide me with a firm definition next time. I assure you that grocery shopping is not my idea of a good time, but I had no clue what “me” time looked like anymore.

What IS my “idea of a good time?” What do I even like to “do for fun” anymore? What is this fun you speak of? “Me” was my boys. IS my boys. They are my life. My idea of a good time is being with them. Making sure they are happy. They are my joy. They are all of me. But this, mommies everywhere, THIS is not healthy. THIS is not ok. THIS is the beginning of a million tragic stories of resentment, depression, and loneliness.

My husband, in his infinite “me” time wisdom, pointed out that I used to write and that I was really good at it at one point. That I used to sing. I played guitar. I used to lead worship. I had people that actually asked, sometimes even paid me to do all of these things!  I used to just go to Starbucks, (not just for my coffee addiction contrary to popular belief) just to read, spend time with God and be inspired in these creative avenues. I can’t remember the last time I wrote. I can’t remember the last time I sang. I work in ministry and cannot remember the last time I’ve even been in worship, more less been a part of leading it.

My boys need me. And I need them. My heart is filled by their joy and the meeting of their needs. As we speak, Mr. Owen Dominic is chewing frantically on his hand, looking at me as if to say, “Fix me, woman!” My boys will always need me. It is ok for me to love them and want to be with them and even be considered a devoted wife and mother. But that cannot be ALL that I am. I am a good mom. I am a good wife. A lot of the time, I am great at both of these things. But my boys need ME. Not a reflection of their needs and wants. They need the me who is whole. The me that is fulfilled in the areas of my life that make me who I am. They need a mom who writes, sings, smiles, and meets with God daily. My husband needs a wife whose confidence radiates and whose smile allows him to feel comfort that he is a good spouse and remind him of the woman he fell in love with and why he chose me. So this year, I resolve to get back to “me.” To do the things that make me who I am. I will still give of myself to my family, but I first must make sure that I have enough “me” to give and still be fulfilled.  Starting with writing this entry and then I will resolve to stay true to my word. That, and feed this baby. And have a nap. J

Missing the Bus

We live in a culture that is ridiculously busy. We often talk about how much overtime we

have or how hard we work with pride in our voice and smugness in our demeanor. With this, we pass this “work ethic” onto our children and ultimately teach them to do as much as possible. Some pass this off as teaching their children a good “work ethic” when in truth, I fear that we are teaching our children that success is characterized by how busy a person can become.

 Education is a priority and eating your vegetables is a priority. Providing for your family is a priority. We teach our kids that team practices and games are a priority so as to teach them dedication. Where does God fit in all of this? I do not mention all of this in order to demonize sports or jobs, but to glorify the use of moderation and priority.

 In youth group, we have been talking about Authentic Faith: If you believe that God really is the Son of God and really died on the cross for your sins which separate you from Him, how could you NOT have an evident change in your life and be telling everyone you know this news? Many of our students had their eyes opened and began to question what their life reflected. This also sparked questions of my own faith and the curiosity of how adult congregants would react given this question.

The famed magician and professed atheist Penn Jilette has questioned the authenticity of the Christian faith by stating, “If you believe there is a heaven and hell, and you think it’s not worth telling someone about it, how much do you have to hate him to not proselytize (evangelize)? To believe that everlasting life is possible and not tell people? If you knew someone was going to get hit by a bus, would you not do everything you could to push them out of the way?” Amen Penn. This quote hit me like a ton of bricks. Especially as a parent. I love my kids more than life itself. I want them to succeed and I want to keep them safe. I want them to have a relationship with God, give their whole heart to God, and to grow up to teach their families the same. Where I falter is in wondering if I am giving my whole heart in showing them authentic faith. Am I placing priority on their spiritual health?

In all of the busyness, are we fitting God into the core values of our families or have we become so busy teaching our children to be busy? If I saw a bus headed in Noah or Elliot’s direction I would not simply yell out, “Hey, you might want to watch out for that bus.” I would lay my life down for my sons. I would do everything possible to get them to safety.

For my boys, I want to teach them to take the time to rest; that family devotional time is a priority. I want to instill that the time we take together to unplug and thank God for the blessings He has given is the most important part of our day. When Noah, my 12 year old, wakes in the morning for school, he does not have an option to not go to school unless he is sick. When he is sick, I take him to the doctor because I love him and want him healthy. When it is Sunday morning and it is time for church and Sunday night and time for youth group, Noah does not have the option to not go, nor will he or Elliot ever have this option, because I love them and I want people to sow into their life and teach them their wisdom when it comes to doing life with God as the lead.

 Though many may struggle to hear this message, call me a “helicopter parent,” it is one that I find so important to address for the sake of all parents. Are we truly instilling in our children that we believe in God the way that we say we do? That we believe God is the most important part of their life and for that, we would lay our life down to show them this kind of faith?

Scripture: 1 Kings 19:11-13

Why I'm Still Eating Oreos and Chick-Fil-A

A few weeks back, Oreo came out with a graphic of an Oreowith rainbow colored layers, representing that they supported gay marriage.Recently, Chick-Fil-A owner Dan Cathy has been in hot water for publiclyaddressing that his company supports the “biblical marriage unit” i.e. man andwoman. So as expected, many leftists began boycotting Oreo and many rightwingers vowed to never eat Chick-Fil-A again. Where do I stand? I’m off in thecorner, boycotting the boycots, and eating all the Oreos and Chicken sandwiches.

Believer or non-believer, most of you reading this blog livein the United States.

While the U.S.has it’s problems, there is a beauty in the amount of freedom that we have beenblessed with. We are free to speak our mind, to hold beliefs, or to not believein anything if we so choose. Freedom is a fantastic benefit of being anAmerican. What baffles me and irritates me to the core is that we can claim tobe a country that fights for our freedom of speech, freedom to hold certainvalues, and freedom to believe whatever we want, yet we often will attackwhoever doesn’t believe the way in which we want them to.

When Oreo came out with their rainbow graphic, some in theChristian world decided that it was not o.k. for this company to voice theirbeliefs, resulting in a lot of hateful statements and the boycotting ofOreo/Nabisco. I, however, did not see any problem with this statement. Theywere standing for what they believed and just stating what they value. They didnot come out and say that they were against “straight marriage” or that theywould no longer hire straight people at their company. Nor did they say thatthey would no longer be making Oreos for straight people (which would have beendevastating as Oreos are DELICIOUS).

When Dan Cathy stated this week that his company supportsthe “biblical representation of marriage,” the internet blew up with talk ofboycotts and the disgust of Cathy’s “hate and discrimination.” I made sure toread all of Dan Cathy’s interview and am not sure where he is beingdiscriminatory or hateful. His company, like Oreo/Nabisco, holds a value to betrue for them. At no time did they state that they would not serve, hire, oraccept homosexual people in their restaurants. In fact, Chick-Fil-A states, “The Chick-Fil-A culture and service tradition in our restaurants is to treatevery person with honor, dignity, and respect—regardless of their belief, race,creed, sexual orientation or gender.” That sounds like a tradition anyone couldbe a part of and one that I personally can support. A policy of loving everyoneand treating them with the respect and dignity that everyone, Christian or not,deserves.

So we can condemn Oreo for making a bold statement and wecould condemn Dan Cathy for holding a value that is not popular. Or we can beblessed to live in a country where we can embrace our differences, be free tobelieve what we want, and still love the other side in the process. If lovingyour neighbor even though they don’t agree with you is not something you can geton board with, well, more Oreos and Chick-Fil-A for me.

If you are interested in more info on Oreo of Chick-Fil-A join the conversation on Facebook:

Facebook.com/chickfila
Facebook.com/chickfila
Facebook.com/Oreo

Fifty Shades of Magic Mike

If you haven’t been living under a rock for the past six months, you have certainly had a conversation or heard a conversation or seen a facebook post concerning the Magic Mike/Fifty Shades of Grey fanaticism. What you may not have seen or heard is a post or conversation that is not ignoring the reality of this phenomenon.  Though I am positive I am going to take a lot of heat for this blog, I…. well, I will take one for the team. I am not sure which team this is as we have so far been a small and silent group. So here goes.

AM I THE ONLY ONE IGNORING THE FACT THAT FIFTY SHADES OF GREY IS GIRL PORN? I won’t apologize for yelling. That deserved some caps. I haven’t been able to go a day lately without hearing or seeing reference about Christian Grey, but in none of that have I seen a realistic comment about the nature of this literature. I am not talking about this from a minister’s perspective necessarily, (Though I am shocked at the number of Christian women on this bandwagon) but from the lense of someone who is in a happy and committed relationship.

I will be the first to admit that when I was single, I referred to Channing Tatum as Channing “Imsofreakinghott” Tatum and as a show of God’s good works. ( I was young and hilarious and single and let’s face it, he is attractive). While this may be a good point, how would you ladies react if you husband or boyfriend got tickets in advance, went on and on about, and planned to go see on opening night a movie about strippers? Maybe you’re cool with that. To each her own. I however would feel a little angry but more hurt emotionally and in my confidence.

If your husband or boyfriend came home with a book the equivalent of Fifty Shades of Grey, read it, commented about it on facebook, talked about it, would you be ok with that? I would be again hurt and disgusted. There would be a lot of emotional issues going on in relationships if the coin was flipped.

So I ask you, if you are someone who has read or thought about reading this book, is it worth it? Is your significant other being truthful about how they feel about it? Have you thought about how it might make them feel even if they would never tell you? (I am shocked about how many parents are unknowingly letting their teens read this “Best Selling novel” and how many teenagers I know personally who are currently reading this series).

I surveyed a few men in committed relationships for this blog, and each one commented that they would feel like junk and a few who do feel inadequate because their girlfriend or wife has joined this craze. But the catch is few have talked to their significant other about it because they don’t want to seem “like a girl” or childish about caring.

I wrote a blog a few months back about the problem with porn in marriages. It seems that Fifty Shades has crept in, a pornographic work, disguised as a novel, and for that it is socially acceptable. For me, in my opinion, there is a lot of damage that this could do to relationships in the same way that internet porn has ruined many lives.

My challenge and point? Think twice before doing what everyone else is doing just because society says it is ok to take part. Think about your man or your future man. Everything is permissible but not all things are beneficial.