I've been holding off writing this blog until the right time.
What makes this the right time, I am unsure of. Is it the New Year? A certain
amount of time passing by? Who knows. All that I am sure of is that my soul and heart have
been prompting me to be vulnerable in an effort for family and friends to gain
some insight into our lives, but more so in the hope that maybe someone reading this
who is going through something similar will feel less alone. That they will be
encouraged and feel a sense of hope. That someone who has not yet gone through
what we have this past year will remember this and possibly hold onto some sort
of wisdom or realize that they are way
better at handling life than that Lita girl (ha).
2014 was…. well… pretty freaking awful. But we are Jordans. We take things as they
come and have been through the ringer before. But this year threw us for a
loop. In the beginning of 2014, Mike and I began to notice that our middle son Elliot,
2 ½ at the time, was struggling in a few areas including speech and anxiety. We
tried to let the “phase” pass, but something in my mama soul knew something was
not right. We were referred to a Pediatric Specialist at Cincinnati Children’s
for various evaluations. While his speech was measured on the low end of
average, we began quite the journey in occupational therapy.
Elliot began intense every week occupational therapy that we
have been in for over 6 months now. There we learned that Elliot struggles with
what some call Sensory Processing Disorder. In laymen’s terms, all of his
senses are heightened to the point that it often causes extreme anxiety. Too
many sounds, too many visuals, certain textures and ways one might touch him
can cause a meltdown. For example, haircuts are a nightmare. The process,
feeling, hair hitting him, sound of scissors or clippers, etc… cause him so
much anxiety he has gotten hives and thrown up multiple times. Some may see
this disorder within the autism spectrum, though this is stand alone for Elliot
and not related to any form of autism.
Through this process, I have personally
discovered that a lot of his issues are things that I have struggled with all
my life but have called anxiety. It has been quite the learning experience for
all of us! While therapy to this point has worked wonders, we will continue in
this for a while to teach him to cope with these issues and find tools to relax
when the environment around him becomes too much. With this therapy, he should
be able to gain enough tools to allow him to develop normally and in a sense, “grow
out” of many of the issues with immersion and practice. He will always feel
anxiety with some things, but he will learn to deal with it.
In the process of this therapy, we have now revisited the
issue of speech. While he talks A LOT and says completely ridiculous, hilarious
things that keep us on our toes, he continues to struggle with expressing his
needs, emotions, and socially interacting with his peers. A recent reevaluation
has shown that Elliot has a Speech and Reception Delay. This, in laymen’s
terms, means that Elliot will need some help to develop his speech, but also
that us along with the doctors are struggling to understand exactly why certain
information is not processing for Elliot. For instance, while Elliot knows and
can verbalize his letters, numbers, and colors he cannot pick these out. He is
able to match colors but he cannot identify his colors in a lineup if you will.
He can name objects on any flashcard but letters, numbers, and colors might as
well be Greek. The doctors are hoping that this is an issue related to speech
and will develop with therapy, but are unsure at this point. His speech is only
a tiny bit below average, so we are hopeful that this too will resolve in time,
but it means bi-weekly therapy and weekly intervention for an unknown amount of
time.
With all of that, I feel incredibly privileged to be Elliot’s
mom and to have a healthy child. While all of this has been scary and
exhausting, it is nothing compared to what many mothers have gone through with
their children. Elliot is such a sensitive and loving soul. He cares deeply for
everyone and feels with his whole heart. While I love this about him, I also
hurt for him. I know how feeling deeply can cause deep pain and feelings of
rejection. I struggle as a mother at the thought of that kind of pain touching
him. Of anything that would change that sweet sensitive soul he has had from
the beginning. He is my whole heart, just like all of my children are and I
simply want him to be OK. Whole. Him. Does that make sense?
The second half of our year dealt with my mother and Granny
losing their home. While we do not need to revisit the details of all that
entailed, it was tragic and unnecessary. They were swindled not once but twice
by Apartment Complexes taking advantage of the elderly. Soon after, Granny
began struggling with her health. We found out on a Wednesday that she had a
mass in her lung. While we struggled with the news, Granny has always been a
fighter so I assured her that is exactly what we would do. By Sunday, she was
struggling to breathe and was admitted. I do not desire to rehash for myself or
my family all that unfolded next, but nothing about her passing that Monday
afternoon was ok. Nothing about it was peaceful. Nothing about it was just or
right or “her time.” The issues with the hospital, the staff, the things that
unfolded that day have been addressed, but one really cannot find closure for an
experience resulting in that kind of immense loss. It was the worst experience
I have had in my entire life and I would not wish it on anyone.
Shortly before Granny’s passing, as many of you know, I
parted ways with the church I had been employed with for two years. I do not
for a second regret the lives that we were so privileged to engage with and
many of the people who invested so generously in the lives of the youth and the
children, and even the life of our family. There are various versions circling
about the reason for our departure. All that really matters in regards to
reasoning was that Mike and I have a vision for ministry that is and always has
been about spreading the gospel to those who seem untouchable. Those in the
gutter. Those who others might not find approachable. The hurting. The sick.
The broken. Anytime we find ourselves in a place where we can no longer hold
true to that vision and calling, it is time to move on. It was made evident
that it was time to move on and hastily. We regret anyone who may have been
hurt by our swift departure, but our family needed to get out of that situation
well before we departed. But we ignored our hearts for the sake of all of the
people in our lives who it might affect.
So where are we now? The Jordans have entered 2015 with a
clean slate. We lost so much in 2014 but gained our lives back. God knocked us off our feet to open our eyes and make us change. We enter 2015 refreshed and hopeful for an amazing year filled with
family, friends, new ministry opportunities, and a chance for our family to
breathe. While I cannot imagine a time that I will heal from the loss of my
Granny or the events that occurred, I do know that God is good and my family
and friends are indescribably amazing.
Though we have not moved on to our next
full-time ministry opportunity, this has been intentional. Not only do we need
a chance to heal from the brokenness and back side of the church we've had the unfortunate displeasure of experiencing, I need a chance to just be with my family.
Someone pointed out that I have been in ministry for my entire adult life. Our
family has not known vacations or time together that was not another “event.”
My boys, nor my husband have experienced church and fellowship in a place that
I do not work. We need that right now. We are all so thirsty to be a part of
something where we are being nurtured and we have been missing that for too
long. You do not realize how oppressed and empty you feel until you nor see
how much your family needs to make a move until you do it. My family needs this
time and so we are taking it until we find that place where we can feel supported, nurtured, and where our family can remain a priority for us. While we are definitely remaining in ministry and
involved, we will make sure to remain open to God’s leading for our next
adventure into vocational ministry.
2015 , thus far, finds the Jordan’s healthy and happy in all
areas. I cannot express to you how incredibly in love and in awe I am of my
husband and how much JOY my heart holds at the smile and laughter of my children.
We have an intensely amazing family and unfathomable friend base who will
always be family in our hearts. While we don’t know what 2015 holds, I pray
that it holds the joy, growth, happiness, and memories that we hope to continue to experience this year!
