Lord I Pray I've Had a Life That's Good

Having an infant, two toddlers, a first grader and a teenager in the house is.. do I even have to say? Let's stop at "two toddlers" to catch our breath. I LOVE MY LIFE. I ADORE my kids. But there is only so much poop a person can handle in a day. I sometimes let it get to me. The poop, the messes, someone always crying (sometimes it's me). And there are days I seem to dwell right in that overwhelming spot. I let it overtake me and feel helpless.

Then there are days like today. There was poop. There were messes. There were three kids crying at once. But there was also so much good. My first-grader reading a full page of a book all by himself (Finally). The pride he had when he completed his other assignments without issue. The pure joy on my daughter's face when I got her up from her nap. The wonder my infant son has as he drools absolutely everywhere while he's trying to "talk" to me. When my teenager helps his younger siblines without even being asked and laughs at his own jokes for far too long. Even the moment my stubborn three year old gives in to his time-out and calms down on his own in a moment of success for mommy!

I want to live and breathe these moments. I wish there was a scent I could spray to remind me of these time. One that overwhelms the poop in my life to help me remember that my life is GOOD. No matter how overwhelming life can get, I am so incredibly fortunate and so incredibly loved by these little monsters.

A Life That's Good

Nashville Cast

Sittin' here tonight
By the fire light
It reminds me I already have
More than I should

I don't need fame
No one to know my name
At the end of the day, Lord I pray
I have a life that's good

Two arms around me
Heaven to ground me
And a family that always calls me home

Four wheels to get there
Enough love to share
And a sweet, sweet, sweet song

At the end of the day
Lord I pray
I have a life that's good

Sometimes I'm hard on me
When dreams don't come easy
I wanna look back and say
I did all that I could

Yeah at the end of the day
Lord I pray
I have a life that's good

Two arms around me
Heaven to ground me
And a family that always calls me home

Four wheels to get there
Enough love to share
And a sweet, sweet, sweet song

At the end of the day
Lord I pray
I have a life that's good

At the end of the day
Lord I pray
I have a life that's good

The Bottom of the Well

Almost three years ago life came crumbling down on me. Everything I had worked for, studied for, put my identity in was gone. I parted ways with my career, lost my Granny, and felt a shell of a person. I was broken.

It was not until recently that I realized I never really pulled myself completely out of that well.  I just let life overtake me. I thought since I could see the light, I was ok, but I was far from ok. 2014 feels like a blur of memories. Life moved on, but it seemed to be doing so around me instead of with mre. 2015 brought the birth and sudden adoption of our daughter, which was a fight in and of itself, but certainly one of the most joyous times of my life. Though even in that joy, I was still struggling to find out who I was outside of ministry. Who I was outside of the community I used to be a part of. Who was I other than wife and mother? 2016 is when I finally began to move towards the top of the well.

I started focusing on the things I could control in the moment. What people, things, activities helped me feel more like “me”? I joined MOPS (Mothers of Preschoolers) for community, the YMCA for wellness, and started figuring out ways to spend more time with myself. That may seem silly to some, but when you have four little bodies tugging at you all day and a teenager that MUST tell you the inner workings of his mind at 20,000 words a minute, a moment to yourself is all between you and a padded room.

I started to come to the realization that my career never defined me. I loved the time I spent as a Youth Pastor and in other ministries. I will always hold those positions dear, but ministry was becoming my undoing. I was shackled to something that was no longer my calling. I was holding so dearly and pridefully to a title instead of figuring out who I was at the bottom of the well. Who am I with nothing? Who is Lita? I am mom. I am wife. But I am MORE. I am ME.

I do eventually hope to be back in ministry, but I will go in more mature, more ready. This newest chapter of life still is largely about being a wife and a mother, but also about being a writer, an advocate, a person with something to say. I pray this chapter is also marked with health, happiness, and a continual flow of learning more of me.

Have you ever THOUGHT you were ok, only to realize that you never really healed? Are you at the bottom of a well? Do you even recognize it? Have you taken the time to look around? I encourage you to take an inventory of self and see where you stand. Look into the literal and figurative mirror and make sure you see YOU. Join a community or a gym with childcare and sit in the sauna to have a moment's peace (guilty, sorry not sorry). Write again. Sing more. Put down your phone and take your coffee outside. Pick back up what you had to lay down when life became too much.