The Bottom of the Well

Almost three years ago life came crumbling down on me. Everything I had worked for, studied for, put my identity in was gone. I parted ways with my career, lost my Granny, and felt a shell of a person. I was broken.

It was not until recently that I realized I never really pulled myself completely out of that well.  I just let life overtake me. I thought since I could see the light, I was ok, but I was far from ok. 2014 feels like a blur of memories. Life moved on, but it seemed to be doing so around me instead of with mre. 2015 brought the birth and sudden adoption of our daughter, which was a fight in and of itself, but certainly one of the most joyous times of my life. Though even in that joy, I was still struggling to find out who I was outside of ministry. Who I was outside of the community I used to be a part of. Who was I other than wife and mother? 2016 is when I finally began to move towards the top of the well.

I started focusing on the things I could control in the moment. What people, things, activities helped me feel more like “me”? I joined MOPS (Mothers of Preschoolers) for community, the YMCA for wellness, and started figuring out ways to spend more time with myself. That may seem silly to some, but when you have four little bodies tugging at you all day and a teenager that MUST tell you the inner workings of his mind at 20,000 words a minute, a moment to yourself is all between you and a padded room.

I started to come to the realization that my career never defined me. I loved the time I spent as a Youth Pastor and in other ministries. I will always hold those positions dear, but ministry was becoming my undoing. I was shackled to something that was no longer my calling. I was holding so dearly and pridefully to a title instead of figuring out who I was at the bottom of the well. Who am I with nothing? Who is Lita? I am mom. I am wife. But I am MORE. I am ME.

I do eventually hope to be back in ministry, but I will go in more mature, more ready. This newest chapter of life still is largely about being a wife and a mother, but also about being a writer, an advocate, a person with something to say. I pray this chapter is also marked with health, happiness, and a continual flow of learning more of me.

Have you ever THOUGHT you were ok, only to realize that you never really healed? Are you at the bottom of a well? Do you even recognize it? Have you taken the time to look around? I encourage you to take an inventory of self and see where you stand. Look into the literal and figurative mirror and make sure you see YOU. Join a community or a gym with childcare and sit in the sauna to have a moment's peace (guilty, sorry not sorry). Write again. Sing more. Put down your phone and take your coffee outside. Pick back up what you had to lay down when life became too much.