I will preface this blog with this disclaimer: Just because I am blogging on the subject of marriage does not mean I am having problems with my own. Nor does it make me an expert on marriage, as I have been married for about 5 minutes. I am married, know married people, and am in the process of being able to officiate marriages, so marriage is a topic of interest to me obviously. I am still madly in love with Michael Jordan. SO, with that said…. Here goes. J
I have watched the Tyler Perry movie “Why Did I Get Married?” twice now. I basically stumbled upon it am glad that I did so, as I would probably not have watched it otherwise. It offers such fantastic lessons in marriage and relationships that I utilize even in my own marriage (please note that “Why Did I Get Married Too” was a huge departure from the first one and not really worth much at all). One such idea was the “80/20” rule. Here is a quote from the movie to explain it:
“In most cases, especially in relationships, you will only get 80% of what you NEED and you will hardly get the other 20% that you WANT in your relationship. There is always another person (man or woman) that you will meet and that will offer you the other 20%, which is lacking in your relationship that you WANT, and believe me, 20% looks really good when you are not getting it at all in your current relationship. But the problem is that you will always be tempted to leave that good 80% that you know you have, thinking that you will get something better with the other 20% that you WA NT. But at reality has proven, in most cases, you will always end up with having the 20% that you WANT and loosing the 80% that you really NEED and that you already had. Be careful in deciding what you WANT and NEED in your life. “
It seems to make a lot of sense, especially in correlation with the divorce rate being around 54% and large contributors being infidelity or “falling in love” with someone else/ “falling out of love” with one’s spouse. If I could find a statistic on how many extramarital relationships last after the divorce, I would not be surprised if the percentage would be minute.
Doesn’t this 80/20 rule seem to apply to almost all things in life? We are in a culture that is always searching for the next best thing. So, why would we not also apply this rule to our marriages? We are conditioned at a young age to strive for the next best thing. To want MORE. While this is not always bad, has it possibly taught us to never be content? To work for the “next best” instead of working on what we have? I am astounded as I think about the marriages and relationships around me that have fallen apart for the pursuit of this 20%. I am astounded at the fact that 90% of the people associated with those relationships have refused to work on what was broken; who simply given up (of course, this does not apply in all cases, especially those involving abuse). Many of them just simply don’t know where to start or that there could even be a chance of reconciliation when things seemed so broken. How do we teach our kids to constantly strive for something better in the things they should, but also to be content and fight for what they have?
Lita! You are an excellent writer. and thinker. I am excited to read your new blog.
ReplyDeleteI agree with what your saying here. The grass sometimes does look greener on the other side, but looks can be deceiving. I think people do forget what they have and how blessed they are and therefore don't think it's worth fighting for or even putting in the effort it takes to maintain a healthy and loving marriage. I know a friend who is our age and just found out her husband is seeing another and leaving her for the other woman. She has a son and this is her second marriage. It's really sad, but the reality is it is common.
I have to go or else I would comment a little more. but great job! keep posting. I love reading your blog!