Goodbye and Good Riddance 2014

I've been holding off writing this blog until the right time. What makes this the right time, I am unsure of. Is it the New Year? A certain amount of time passing by? Who knows. All that I am sure of is that my soul and heart have been prompting me to be vulnerable in an effort for family and friends to gain some insight into our lives, but more so in the hope that maybe someone reading this who is going through something similar will feel less alone. That they will be encouraged and feel a sense of hope. That someone who has not yet gone through what we have this past year will remember this and possibly hold onto some sort of wisdom or realize that they are way better at handling life than that Lita girl (ha).

2014 was…. well… pretty freaking awful.  But we are Jordans. We take things as they come and have been through the ringer before. But this year threw us for a loop. In the beginning of 2014, Mike and I began to notice that our middle son Elliot, 2 ½ at the time, was struggling in a few areas including speech and anxiety. We tried to let the “phase” pass, but something in my mama soul knew something was not right. We were referred to a Pediatric Specialist at Cincinnati Children’s for various evaluations. While his speech was measured on the low end of average, we began quite the journey in occupational therapy.

Elliot began intense every week occupational therapy that we have been in for over 6 months now. There we learned that Elliot struggles with what some call Sensory Processing Disorder. In laymen’s terms, all of his senses are heightened to the point that it often causes extreme anxiety. Too many sounds, too many visuals, certain textures and ways one might touch him can cause a meltdown. For example, haircuts are a nightmare. The process, feeling, hair hitting him, sound of scissors or clippers, etc… cause him so much anxiety he has gotten hives and thrown up multiple times. Some may see this disorder within the autism spectrum, though this is stand alone for Elliot and not related to any form of autism. 

Through this process, I have personally discovered that a lot of his issues are things that I have struggled with all my life but have called anxiety. It has been quite the learning experience for all of us! While therapy to this point has worked wonders, we will continue in this for a while to teach him to cope with these issues and find tools to relax when the environment around him becomes too much. With this therapy, he should be able to gain enough tools to allow him to develop normally and in a sense, “grow out” of many of the issues with immersion and practice. He will always feel anxiety with some things, but he will learn to deal with it.

In the process of this therapy, we have now revisited the issue of speech. While he talks A LOT and says completely ridiculous, hilarious things that keep us on our toes, he continues to struggle with expressing his needs, emotions, and socially interacting with his peers. A recent reevaluation has shown that Elliot has a Speech and Reception Delay. This, in laymen’s terms, means that Elliot will need some help to develop his speech, but also that us along with the doctors are struggling to understand exactly why certain information is not processing for Elliot. For instance, while Elliot knows and can verbalize his letters, numbers, and colors he cannot pick these out. He is able to match colors but he cannot identify his colors in a lineup if you will. He can name objects on any flashcard but letters, numbers, and colors might as well be Greek. The doctors are hoping that this is an issue related to speech and will develop with therapy, but are unsure at this point. His speech is only a tiny bit below average, so we are hopeful that this too will resolve in time, but it means bi-weekly therapy and weekly intervention for an unknown amount of time.

With all of that, I feel incredibly privileged to be Elliot’s mom and to have a healthy child. While all of this has been scary and exhausting, it is nothing compared to what many mothers have gone through with their children. Elliot is such a sensitive and loving soul. He cares deeply for everyone and feels with his whole heart. While I love this about him, I also hurt for him. I know how feeling deeply can cause deep pain and feelings of rejection. I struggle as a mother at the thought of that kind of pain touching him. Of anything that would change that sweet sensitive soul he has had from the beginning. He is my whole heart, just like all of my children are and I simply want him to be OK. Whole. Him. Does that make sense?

The second half of our year dealt with my mother and Granny losing their home. While we do not need to revisit the details of all that entailed, it was tragic and unnecessary. They were swindled not once but twice by Apartment Complexes taking advantage of the elderly. Soon after, Granny began struggling with her health. We found out on a Wednesday that she had a mass in her lung. While we struggled with the news, Granny has always been a fighter so I assured her that is exactly what we would do. By Sunday, she was struggling to breathe and was admitted. I do not desire to rehash for myself or my family all that unfolded next, but nothing about her passing that Monday afternoon was ok. Nothing about it was peaceful. Nothing about it was just or right or “her time.” The issues with the hospital, the staff, the things that unfolded that day have been addressed, but one really cannot find closure for an experience resulting in that kind of immense loss. It was the worst experience I have had in my entire life and I would not wish it on anyone.

Shortly before Granny’s passing, as many of you know, I parted ways with the church I had been employed with for two years. I do not for a second regret the lives that we were so privileged to engage with and many of the people who invested so generously in the lives of the youth and the children, and even the life of our family. There are various versions circling about the reason for our departure. All that really matters in regards to reasoning was that Mike and I have a vision for ministry that is and always has been about spreading the gospel to those who seem untouchable. Those in the gutter. Those who others might not find approachable. The hurting. The sick. The broken. Anytime we find ourselves in a place where we can no longer hold true to that vision and calling, it is time to move on. It was made evident that it was time to move on and hastily. We regret anyone who may have been hurt by our swift departure, but our family needed to get out of that situation well before we departed. But we ignored our hearts for the sake of all of the people in our lives who it might affect.

So where are we now? The Jordans have entered 2015 with a clean slate. We lost so much in 2014 but gained our lives back. God knocked us off our feet to open our eyes and make us change. We enter 2015 refreshed and hopeful for an amazing year filled with family, friends, new ministry opportunities, and a chance for our family to breathe. While I cannot imagine a time that I will heal from the loss of my Granny or the events that occurred, I do know that God is good and my family and friends are indescribably amazing. 

Though we have not moved on to our next full-time ministry opportunity, this has been intentional. Not only do we need a chance to heal from the brokenness and back side of the church we've had the unfortunate displeasure of experiencing, I need a chance to just be with my family. Someone pointed out that I have been in ministry for my entire adult life. Our family has not known vacations or time together that was not another “event.” My boys, nor my husband have experienced church and fellowship in a place that I do not work. We need that right now. We are all so thirsty to be a part of something where we are being nurtured and we have been missing that for too long. You do not realize how oppressed and empty you feel until you nor see how much your family needs to make a move until you do it. My family needs this time and so we are taking it until we find that place where we can feel supported, nurtured, and where our family can remain a priority for us. While we are definitely remaining in ministry and involved, we will make sure to remain open to God’s leading for our next adventure into vocational ministry.

2015 , thus far, finds the Jordan’s healthy and happy in all areas. I cannot express to you how incredibly in love and in awe I am of my husband and how much JOY my heart holds at the smile and laughter of my children. We have an intensely amazing family and unfathomable friend base who will always be family in our hearts. While we don’t know what 2015 holds, I pray that it holds the joy, growth, happiness, and memories that we hope to continue to experience this year!